Wednesday, January 11

Little Big Problem

I have struggled with my weight for the majority of my post-pubescent life. I am built big, but this combined with using food to comfort myself has led to being overweight in an unhealthy way for pretty much my entire adult life.
I get kinda tired of thinking about it sometimes. I get tired of talking about it sometimes. If I have all this to say, shouldn't it all be preceded by "When I was fat..."? I can tell you over and over and over what you should do to loose weight. I can tell you all about Weight Watchers (did it, it worked, stopped) I can tell you all about Zumba (love, but don't do...why?) and I can tell you all about calories and healthy foods and all of everything. So why am I not listening?
Last night I got home from work and was really tired. I had stayed up too late the night before watching Kung Fu movies with the hubster and was just drained. I took a little nap before cooking dinner and all the rest, and then woke up in a most foul mood. I wanted to hide under the covers for the rest of the night and pretend to be sleeping, and leave all home duties to the hubster, but I knew that was not fair. (plus I really had to pee) I got up and could feel the bad mood coming. The minor irritations, the snapping at the kiddos, the urge to kick things. There was a little voice in my head that said "hey...hey you...eat something green and nourishing, move your butt and tuck in early...you will feel so much better". I heard it, I acknowledged it, and then I completely ignored it. I stuffed in spoonfuls of the mac and cheese left over for the kids, knowing with each spoonful that I was not eating it because it was some gourmet delicacy, but just stuffing it in to stuff down my bad mood.
Guess what? I was still pissed.
This is my biggest struggle. Me. Stopping and listening to what I really need rather than what I think I want. My wants are generally wrong. My needs seems to be right on.
I need to acknowledge that things used to be worse. A few years ago I would have made a double batch of mac and cheese, telling myself that I was just prepping for busy nights and then eat all the leftovers myself. Followed by whatever desert related things were available. So there is progress. But still.
I yell at my kids about listening all the time. Now here I am not listening to myself.

No comments: